Unfinished business…

Is it strange that I started this post over a week ago, in fact looking at the date it was 12 days ago, and it is unfinished? I had started it. One line, freshly deleted. And the title. The concept of unfinished business is not a new one. So many things in my life are ongoing, upside down, undone, unfinished…

I read a great blog post recently about the drain that people experience when they have lots of things (big or little…big and little…) undone in their lives. In true “me” style I now cannot find the post. I put it somewhere safe…obviously a little too safe 😉 Or it is printed and in a pile of papers on the dining table – the piles of important things I want to file and remember and have on hand to refer to. My print-out of the tickets for England are there too. That’s as far as I have gotten with the organisation for my wonderful trip with Mum. Oh no, I tell a fib. I have put in my ballot preferences for Wimbledon tickets. Fingers crossed we get Centre court, day one!!So much to do still…

Why do I continue to believe that if I get the right planning system, lists, organisation, folder etc that life will begin to unfold perfectly, pleasantly, in a rose-scented cloud of perfection where I get enough sleep, eat properly and manage to get everything done? I think it’s time I let go of that belief.

Yet I still have to deal with life. And the email from my PhD supervisor asking about the article I haven’t started yet. The second email! And getting the car serviced, the work not done at work, working weekend, seeing and supporting the people I love, the health check-ups that are now overdue, the ongoing decisions that become more difficult because I feel so overwhelmed.

Here’s how I can tell when I get overwhelmed. I get asked to make a decision. Just one…big or little…and it sends me in to a tailspin. Spiralling downwards, out of control…not knowing what the right thing to do is. Or knowing. And knowing that it might disappoint people. So I don’t decide…or write the list of things to do…or call the mechanic…or start the article. And it drains me…it’s draining the life out of me.

In a lot of ways it is easier to ignore it. Spend my time worrying about the friends dealing with bigger issues – operations, divorce, sick kids, sick pets, ill health. And worrying that I am not doing enough for them. Yet I know one thing, and I was reminded of it in conversation today. If I don’t stop, take stock and sort my self out. If I don’t go back to putting myself first (or start doing it), then life just might give me a wake-up call. I already had a small one a few weeks ago when I was rushing around to kill a cockroach (having stepped out of the shower to do so) and slipped over on the wet floor. Luckily I didn’t do any damage. So maybe it is time to listen…time to take action and make decisions. So I finished this post. One small step. What’s next?

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