So far from where I want to be…

That is how I feel…I re-read my letter to myself. Yesterday and today have been frustrating. Being asked to complete a task by Monday…at 4.15 on a Friday, when you know it’s going to be at least 5 or so hours worth of work…and you promised yourself you weren’t going to work any more weekends…

I was left feeling angry, sad and disempowered. Frustrated and trapped…like there are no choices. Yes it was a task that falls under my remit…and I appreciated Clare saying that she wanted me to tell her which days I was taking in lieu of last Saturday and this one. But then I look at the important and urgent ones and wonder how to do that. I know I should take them and not care.

I realised several things today though – the anger shouldn’t be turned inwards or it becomes depression. I think that’s what I have been doing. And it’s hard to know how to stop. Crying again writing this…I am exhausted. I have been doing this for too long. It is impossible to continue doing the work of two people. And I have to consciously make choices that empower me and put me back in control.

It’s 8.16 Saturday night. I have barely eaten today. Tomorrow I am going to pick up a chest of drawers for a friend and then to another friend’s who I haven’t seen for a while. Tired. And I have to set the alarm on a Sunday. Tired…time to start looking after myself…maybe then I will have the energy to do the other things I want to do…like working out where my goals went…or at least planning my trip with Mum.

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