My precious one,
Just stop for a moment. Put down the tangled knot of threads you feel is the mess of your life. Stop pulling on random ends of threads – you are making it worse. Tightening the knots. Increasing the pressure. Overthinking everything is not helping. Just stop and breathe.
Now. My dearest sweet girl. I want you to stop picking over how you got here. You are here. It is safe, YOU are safe. If I could tell you anything, if I could go back in time and tell you anything is is this: Everything will be okay. It works out. You have learned, and will keep learning, how strong you are. I know it is not easy. But you have strength you do not truly comprehend. There is no point complaining about the bad things, little and big, unless you are going to do something about it. You learn more every day, every moment…and you need to stop occasionally and absorb this learning. It is okay to stop for a bit. You must then keep going, pick up your pen, your books etc and move forward.
The other thing you keep forgetting is that you are loved. You have loving family and friends. Even with the last few years of difficulty, pushing people away, complaining constantly, being a grumpy mess of a girl…they love you. Trust that, appreciate it, love them back. And know this, deep in your bones, in your innermost soul…most importantly, I love you. And I love the complicated, smart, curious loving person you are…the good and the bad.
And because I love you, this is what I am telling you to do. You have stopped today and thought (note to self – don’t leave the house without a notebook, we may never get that poem back, but there will be others). This is the first step…we are going to deal with the tangled ball of threads. And we do it this way – you owe yourself this, to live up to who you really can be. Stop wasting time.
So here is what you are going to do: sleep more, eat, walk, write, read, be with the people you care about. Dear one – you need enough sleep, you need nourishment of your body and soul…and you need to challenge yourself. You can be organised, you can write academic papers, you can get a new job which challenges and fulfils you. You can and will sort out your finances. It will be okay. You know what you need to do. I’m writing this because today you needed a reminder. Your most important priority needs to be yourself. And to love those who were there when you thought you were unlovable. And that includes loving yourself…you got through it. You finished your PhD, you survived the last two years at work…it’s time to move forward.
P.S. babysteps…one at a time.