One of the reasons that I think so many things in my life feel out of control at the moment is my indecision. I let many external factors have too much influence over me. I read a lot about the Law of Attraction…the idea that we attract what we focus on…and then I slip and let myself focus on the negative. And not take the baby action steps towards the good things I do want.
I have felt on a number of occasions recently like running away. Not permanently, just for a while…I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want from life and I am scared of making the wrong decision or choice so I don’t make any. This coming from someone who believes that you regret the chances in life you don’t take! And that we choose to be happy, regardless of external circumstances. This is also from someone who is hard on themselves about everything. Who keeps telling herself to stop and smell the roses. To write the damn list of things you WANT to do as well as those you have to do. And to reconsider what the ‘have to do’s” are. And beats herself up because she’s not the perfect manager, daughter, sister, friend…forgetting that nobody is…
Nobody is perfect…I am not. But I am smart, funny, lovable, caring, considate, giving and capable. I can cope with adversity, with the bad stuff life throws at me. There’s been enough of it lately. And I can do it with grace and dignity. And love…for the other people going through bad stuff. I have people who love me, even when I am not very lovable. Who remind me of the good stuff that has also been going on. And who remind me that there are things you can control and things you can’t control – that I need to be wise enough to know the difference.
I’m sick and tired of feeling like this…I am physically tired, whiny and fed-up. Something’s got to give. There is a better way to live than this. I have to start weeding the garden again. Looking at my thoughts and deciding which to compost and which to water and nurture.
Instead of “Why me?” – which is the most pointless question of all time – how about some more nourishing questions? What am I grateful for? What makes ME happy? What does Lesley want to do with her life now she is Dr Lesley and what steps can I take to achieve those?
It doesn’t mean I will stop buying lottery tickets and dreaming of escape from the job I am currently in. I bought two tickets today (hey, who doesn’t want $50 million?) – it’s about what am I going to change to get me to a better place? What habits am I am that are, while not exactly destructive, they aren’t nourishing me much either? Too much Facebook. Not enough sleep. Not eating properly. No exercise. The only thing that seems to raise my heartrate these days is when I have moments of panic about my job or other issues. I over-share and over-rely on people. I worry like it was an Olympic event and I was going for a gold medal, world-record breaking attempt!
These things aren’t helping. Writing helps. Affirmations help. Getting the right balance of alone time and socialising (alone time does not mean sitting on Facebook & Pinterest, Doc!). Making an effort to reach out to friends and spend time with them, as well as spending some time alone doing my puzzles or reading with the cats on the couch. Stop whining and start doing.
What am I looking forward to everyday? Why am I not remembering that you can get anywhere from anywhere…you just need to start?
That’s an awful lot of questions. And for someone who is such a control freak (wouldn’t think it to look at my life) perhaps the answer lies in not having too many rules. In enjoying the journey – subtracting what I don’t want and adding in lots more of what I do…life should be overflowing with experiences that nurture me…I have to choose those. And I do need some rules…bedtime, more writing, more time with friends. I need to be absorbed in the good things in my life. I need to stretch myself to say Yes – yes I will visit the two interstate friends I want to see, yes I will read more…
Yes I will make a decision. See that’s one…right there!!